I should have known our weekend away together was doomed when my husband and I got into an argument before we even left on Friday afternoon. I had arrived home from work to find him laying on my bed and playing games on his cell phone. I began packing my things to prepare for the weekend. Once finished I visited the social website that housed all of the event coordination information and noticed that my husband posted an ad looking for a roommate or a place in the area. I was hurt that 2 hours before we left on our weekend away together he was searching for somewhere else to live. Of course, he had already been living with his parents for a couple of weeks but it still seemed so cold. When he left my place to go pack his items for the weekend, I sent him a text saying I was thinking about not going. After some squabbling back & forth he finally said he wanted me to go….so I did.
When we arrived at the hotel where the “kink convention” (for lack of a better term) was to be held, we saw our friends everywhere. We greeted them, hugged & kissed them and entertained some casual conversations. It was very pleasant to see they all remembered me and treated me as if no time had passed since seeing me last. It felt good to be back among our kinky friends again and to feel the energy that was there. My husband and I stood in line together while waiting to check into the hotel and the event. He was very playful as we waited & began flirting with me in his own special & dominantly sadistic way. It felt nice to have his attention on me again and the sudden appearance of his cheek dimples & bright smile told me he was enjoying himself too. It was really great to see him happy in that way again.
First, we went to our hotel room to drop off our luggage & then headed to the vendor area to do some shopping. My husband bought a new single tail whip, a switch blade knife with a rescue hook, some suspension accessories and a Shibari bondage book. I purchased a Wartenberg 5 wheel pin wheel, a loud & heavy Japanese fan and a set of clover nipple clamps. We then carted our new treasures back to our room where my husband tested out his single tail whip; giving me several lovely welts on my bottom and thighs. It was delightful to let go of the stress and to be played with by him again. I felt like a long-lost toy that had finally been found again.
Soon after trying out the new whip, we left to go eat dinner and it quickly became apparent that my husband wasn’t feeling well. He hadn’t been feeling well all day and he was clearly getting worse. His face had turned bright red and he was running a fever. Still he pushed on after dinner and together we attended the opening ceremonies. Despite his illness, things were going very well between us. He was scheduled to be a Dungeon Monitor at 10 PM and he wasn’t going to miss it. I however, was feeling very sleepy and decided to nap for a couple of hours while he worked his shift. I believed after a nap I’d be more energized for the kinky party that was going on downstairs in the main event areas of the hotel. At 11 PM my husband woke me to say he was going home. He was still very ill and just wanted to sleep in his own bed. While I was disappointed, because we were supposed to spend the night together for the first time in weeks, I did understand. At first, I toyed with the idea of going home with him but I just couldn’t make sense of leaving the hotel room empty since we had already paid for it. So, we decided I would stay at the hotel for the night and he would return the first thing in the morning (with breakfast) so we could attend classes together. He encouraged me to get up and go to the party downstairs and partake in a few “scenes” that I had planned with others. He described some of the scenes that he saw while monitoring the dungeon and mentioned that a few people were looking for me. I told him I was going to lay down for another hour and then I would head off to the party. We kissed goodbye and he left.
At around 12:20 AM I was awakened by the phone in my room ringing. I answered it to discover it was my 12-year-old daughter checking in. She told me how her day went (I had left before she returned home from school) and asked how things were going and if I was having fun. After I hung up the phone I considered going down to the party which would continue for about another 3 hours but I decided against it. I didn’t feel comfortable going alone or without my husband. I never lived “the single life” before and I wasn’t interested in doing so now. I simply rolled over and went back to sleep feeling immensely alone in the dark silence of my cold hotel room.
The next morning I woke up early and took a shower. It felt so odd being all alone. So quiet. I’m used to having kids running around me every waking moment and this was very different from that. I kept thinking about how much I hate to be alone and I began to wonder when then panic would creep in. I hoped that knowing there were other people in the building would be enough to keep the fear at bay. In the past, I have rarely lasted more than a couple of hours alone before the terror took its hold on me. I tried to shake off the feeling of dread and turned the television on, just to hear some noise, and I continued to get ready. I tried to focus my attention on seeing my husband soon and on the list of classes I could choose to attend for the day. After some time had passed, I realized my husband wasn’t going to make it for the first round of classes or for breakfast. I sent him a text advising the classes were starting in 20 minutes, took a deep breath and headed downstairs alone.
It’s weird how a person can feel so alone in a crowd of several hundred, isn’t it? That’s how I felt once I got downstairs and entered the social area. I felt very much alone. I quickly glanced around the room and couldn’t find one familiar face among the people there. I went over to the breakfast table to grab some fruit and a cup of coffee before sitting next to a woman who was by herself. I quickly struck up a casual conversation with her only to realize that I was so desperate for human interaction that I would have spoken to Charles Manson had he been available. She was very sweet and indulged my need for conversation before her partner came and swept her away. Another lady sat down and we talked a little bit as well. Once I finished eating, I headed off to my first class and then to my second.
My husband didn’t arrive until the lunch break. He had brought me some of my favorite food with a nice little cheesecake treat. It was such a relief to see him standing there when I exited my class and to sit & eat lunch with him. I tried not to say much to him about my loneliness but instead expressed that I had missed him. He said he was feeling a little bit better and that his fever had gone. He also apologized for not making it in time for breakfast and for missing the first several classes. We discussed his eagerness to attend a beginners class on using single tail whips and the time slot in which I was scheduled to watch one of the event doors before heading off to the 3rd set of classes. He attended his single tail whip class while I attended one about unique suspensions. Half way into the class, I left to work my shift watching one of the event doors.
When I arrived at my shift location, I found a friend of mine waiting for me there. We had previously negotiated & planned on doing a scene together during one of the kinky play parties that weekend. He is a Dominant man that I am very sexually attracted to. I always find myself to be flustered and nervous around him which is very much out of character for me. He sat with me during most of my shift and we talked a little but mostly he flirted and played with me. I really enjoyed the attention he was giving me and hadn’t really had that much in the lifestyle for a long time. My husband stopped by a few times to check up on my safety but for the most part seemed okay with my friend & I hanging out and playing. He knows that my friend is very well-known in the community and has been a practicing Dominant for years. Therefore, I believe he felt that I was safe. My husband brought me a drink and some snacks. Once my shift was over I parted ways with my Dominant friend and agreed to meet him later at the kinky party for the knife & pressure point scene that we had planned to do together.
After my shift, my husband and I visited the silent auction area where items were being auctioned off to help a local non-profit organization. Every year that we have attended this kinky convention I have always won something from the silent auction. Last year I won a paddle that was custom-made by a friend of mine. So, my husband and I walked around talking and looking at the items. A beautiful collar caught my attention and I noticed that my husband had placed a bid on it. I was hopeful he was bidding on the collar to give to me, so I didn’t try to out bid him. Besides, it would have been pointless since all of the money we owned was still “our” money.
After viewing the auction items. My husband and I retreated to our hotel room to get ready for the closing ceremonies and the Saturday night kinky party. I was very excited about the few scenes I had planned with friends of mine. The most exciting of which was to happen immediately after the closing ceremony. My husband had set up a scene for me with a really great rope guy that I liked a lot, for my very first bondage suspension. So I made sure to take careful note of what I was putting on as we were getting ready. I wanted to make sure I looked just a cute tied up in the air as I did standing upright on the floor. As I put on my sexy panties, thigh highs and make-up I began to get very excited for the evening of fun. I also had planned a girls pillow fight that would turn into a tickling match and some sensation play.
Everything was going great between my husband & I since he arrived at the event on Saturday afternoon. That was…until the closing ceremony. When the organizers read off the names of the silent auction winners, things began to go down hill for my husband and I. He had won a couple of knives and the beautiful collar that I wanted. I was thrilled since I believed the collar would be mine. However, when I expressed my joy my husband made it very clear that the collar wasn’t for me. I explained that he had won the knives and that I felt I should be able to have the collar. I thought that was fair but it became obvious that he did not agree. I quietly asked him what he wanted the collar for and he quickly became very defensive. He jerked his hand away from my leg where it was resting and leaned forward on the chair in front of him. I couldn’t make sense of why he was suddenly so angry. I had been calm and only asked questions about who was getting the collar and why, mostly for understanding and clarity. When I asked him why he was upset he threatened to “leave”, which confused me even more. Did he mean leave the chair next to me for another in the room? Did he mean he’d leave the event altogether? Leave the relationship again? It was then that I began to feel hurt. I asked him to please sit back as he was embarrassing me but it wasn’t until I mentioned going home that he finally leaned back and returned his hand to rest on my leg again. We watched the rest of the closing ceremony together and even made polite and cheerful conversation during that time. I felt we were putting the “collar” issue on the back burner so we could continue to enjoy our weekend together. I was wrong.
Once closing ceremonies were over my husband & I got separated in the crowd that was leaving the auditorium. Therefore, I went to the social area and waited for him. I was getting more and more nervous by the minute about meeting up with the Dominating rope guy for my suspension scene. I had been very eager to get this guys rope around me, be played with by my husband again and to be suspended. Therefore this made the perfect scenario for my extreme excitement and overwhelming nervousness. To be honest, I had forgotten all about the collar because I was so focused on the plans we had made. After waiting for nearly 20 minutes and watching the crowd clear out it became obvious to me that my husband was nowhere to be found. It was then that I recalled the collar and the fact that he had to pay for his items within the next hour or so. I then realized my husband must have gone to our hotel room to drop off the items.
When I arrived at our hotel room, my husband was in the bathroom. At first, I sat on the bed waiting for him to join me. Then, I looked over on the desk and saw two gift bags sitting there. I got up to see if the collar was in one but they were both empty. I looked around and saw the knives my husband won sitting on the nightstand but the collar wasn’t anywhere in sight. I asked my husband through the bathroom door where the collar was and he informed me that he had hidden it…from me. I couldn’t believe he had actually hidden it. What did he think I would do? Why was he being so weird and why didn’t he care how I would feel about him buying jewelry for another woman? Once he came out of the bathroom, I explained to him how hurtful it was that he was using our savings to purchase a collar for another woman right in front of me and during our weekend together. He responded with rage and began to say mean & hurtful things to me. He didn’t want to try to understand my viewpoint on the issue. He didn’t want to know why I wanted the collar. Instead he could only see things from his viewpoint. He shouted that I would never touch that collar and headed for the door. I quickly glanced around the room and spotted the items we had purchased at the vendor area when we first arrived. I grabbed his expensive single tail whip and threatened to take it if he didn’t produce the collar. Looking back I can see how immature that was, but I felt a stab of desperation that would have allowed me to do anything to keep him from walking out that door. My threat had no effect on him though. He just yelled back over his shoulder “I don’t care, I’ll just buy another one”…of course with OUR savings. That was the last straw for me. The final nail in the coffin. I loudly shouted after him “I’m leaving! I’m going home” and I meant it.
As soon as the door closed behind him, I started ripping the room apart looking for the collar. I didn’t actually believe it was in the room, I honestly thought he had it in his pocket…but I wanted to be sure. I looked under the mattress, the frame and the box springs. I looked behind all of the furniture and pictures. I checked every crack & crevice and found no sign of the collar. I packed up all my belongings and changed my clothes. While taking off my cute outfit and make-up the disappointment began to creep in. I was upset that I wasn’t going to get to enjoy the evening with my friends and enjoy the community again but I knew I couldn’t stay. I didn’t want to be embarrassed by a public display of my husband’s anger. I didn’t want to stay and hear the cruel things he would say when he returned. I didn’t want to be disrespected or humiliated anymore. Leaving was the right choice. It was the right choice for me…and for once…I put me first. I zipped up my luggage, put on my coat, grabbed my keys and left the room.
I was walking towards the lobby to check out of the hotel when I ran into my husband in the hallway of our floor. He actually looked confused at my packed bags and zipped up coat. He asked where I was going and I told him “home”. He responded by asking me if I got the collar. I said “we both know you have that collar in your pocket” but he didn’t say anything in return. I turned and walked back to the room and let him in so he could get the collar. He shut himself in the bathroom and I could hear him playing with the tissue box. When he appeared in the bathroom doorway, I called him a liar. I informed him I had already checked the tissue box and removed all of the tissues. I knew the collar wasn’t in it. Again, he said nothing and walked into the hallway. I closed the door and began walking down the hall towards the lobby elevators again. He followed me for a few steps and then asked where his whip was. I turned around and told him it was MY whip now and that he could find his own “fucking” ride home. He then went into the stairwell. My guess is that he ran downstairs to remove his bag from the trunk of my car because it was gone when I opened the trunk to put my luggage inside after I checked out of the hotel.
All the way home my husband sent me texts about how selfish I was being by walking out on people I had made plans with. His texts kept telling me about how I disappointed them and had let them down. He accused me of ruining my reputation and as they progressed his texts got more and more cruel. But his words didn’t hurt me. I didn’t shed a tear or feel an ounce of guilt. When I got home, I simply went to my room and got into bed. I sent off a couple of texts to the friends I had made plans with. I told them something had come up and I had to leave suddenly. I apologized and left it at that. I told myself that if they are truly my friends then they will understand. I then received another text from my husband ordering me to leave and “sleep it off” and informing me that he’d find his own ride home. I responded with some sarcastic comment about how it was cute that he thought I was still there. I then sat my phone down, lay my head on the pillows and slowly drifted off to sleep.
TO BE CONTINUED….
Side-note: I still don’t know what will become of my marriage but I know I left in many ways that night. Somewhere I found a line that had finally been crossed. Somehow I understood that I couldn’t keep waiting for my soul mate to walk back through the door. I accepted that it was time for me to stop holding onto the past and start looking toward the future, even if it is going to be without him.
Fears Being Alone 