Just when I thought I knew

I spoke with Justice about my Herpes diagnosis and he was actually very supportive. I believe I was expecting him to be angry and throw around accusations but he wasn’t that way at all. Instead he asked me several questions and seemed very interested and concerned. I advised him to get tested and he agreed to do so.

Yesterday, Justice had a previously scheduled doctor’s appointment. While he was there he informed the doctor of my diagnosis and requested a blood test to see if he also has herpes. Surprisingly, the doctor decided to delay the lab work for a month. Therefore, Justice won’t be tested until May. This kind of throws a wrench into my plans. I had hoped to know if Justice tested positive before my talk with Nation. I was hoping it would help me to determine if my conversation with Nation would be more of a “did you give me herpes” vs “I exposed you to herpes” type of conversation. But, I guess it doesn’t really matter now that I think about it.  Either way, I have to tell Nation and advise him to get tested and I have to tell him BEFORE we have sex again.

I do believe that if Nation passed herpes onto me, then he does NOT know he has herpes. Nation has been nothing but honest with me from the very beginning. He prides himself on his honesty and he has told me some very personal and uncomfortable things that he could have easily lied about instead of sharing. When Nation and I first met he was actually communicating back and forth with a friend of mine. When I learned that she and I were pursuing the same guy, I simply asked Nation about her and he was very honest & up front about everything. He didn’t take the easy road out and he didn’t lie. Therefore, I believe he was telling me what he believed to be the truth when he said he had no STD’s/STI’s. I am supposed to see Nation tonight and I plan on telling him about my newly diagnosed herpes. I hope it goes as well as my herpes conversation with Justice went. Wish me luck!

On another note: It’s odd, but Justice has slowly become more of a friend to me again. I can’t recall the last time he got upset or angry with me. Not even via text. I don’t remember the last time he appeared to be acting irrationally or without logical thinking. Instead, he really seems to be putting great effort into making a friendship work between the two of us. It’s really nice to have my friend back.

Over the past couple of days Justice has kept in near constant communication with me. We chat about everything from herpes, to the kids, to our days events. He texts me when he wakes up in the mornings and again when he returns home from work in the evenings. It honestly makes me miss the old “him” even more. The “him” that used to be head over heels in love with me. The “him” that was 50% of my fairy-tale love life. The “him” that I believed was sent to me by God and was my forever soul-mate. That “him”.  The one I NEVER would have given up on or walked away from. The him that I loved for 20 years.

On Tuesday, Justice sent me a text of some lines from a song I used to sing to our girls when they were babies. The next line of the song would have been “I love you”.

“Are you saying that you love me?” I asked him.

“That song made me want to shoot myself in the head,” he replied

“When?” I asked.

“Last night,” he responded.

“Who was singing it?” I questioned.

“You were. In my head,” Justice explained.

“LOL, that’s funny,” I giggled.

“No. It isn’t. I saw you doing it while holding one of our babies. It brought me to tears,” he shared. “It kept popping up in my head last night. It made me feel depressed and I wanted to shoot myself,” Justice confessed.

“I’m so sorry if I’ve made you feel that way,” I expressed.

“It’s not you. It’s the memory and the cruel reality that time passes on,” He explained.

What does this conversation mean? What is Justice telling me or trying to say? Is he saying he misses our life together? Is he saying he misses the girls being babies? I tried asking him but received no response, only a subject change.

Today, Justice called me while I was work; which is very strange behavior for him. He HATES talking on the phone and avoids it at all costs. Still, he willingly and of his own volition called me. Justice asked me if I thought he was depressed and going through a mid-life crisis. He said he missed me and he invited me to go to the zoo with him and the girls this weekend. I’m pretty sure he was even crying at one point during the conversation.

The weird thing is that I thought that my herpes diagnosis would send Justice away forever. He has such a paranoia about those kind of things that I thought he’d never want to touch me again. Now, before he even knows if he has herpes he is telling me he misses me? Maybe he feels guilty that I’ve got herpes. Perhaps he thinks he passed it onto me or that if he’d stayed then I wouldn’t have slept with anyone else and contracted the virus.

Now, I couldn’t be more confused. Do I still love Justice? Do I still want our life back? I do want our life back. I know I do. I know I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to find what I’ve lost. But…I’m afraid. I can’t go through the heartbreak again. What about the trust that has been shattered? It took us 2 decades to build the trust we had and it was destroyed in a matter of minutes. What if I take him back and he leaves again? The last time I spent nearly a week in the hospital having been on the cusp of suicide. I just don’t think I have it in me to handle that kind of rejection from him again. Not from Justice. Not from the one person that I gave everything to but still wasn’t enough for.

Things sure are different now

Things have changed so much in the past few weeks that it’s hard to know where to begin. I suppose the biggest change is that I am no longer unsure of the status of my marriage or the relationship between Justice & myself. I know exactly where we stand… we are over. My fairy tale love story has come to an end. My marriage is no more & my love for the man I often referred to as my soul mate is gone.

I picked up the broken pieces of my heart, dusted my self off and got back up on the horse (not really back up since I’ve never dated before). I went out on a couple of dates & even slept with one of them. The sex seemed odd & far less than thrilling… even less than that. It was bad.

But then… I met someone. A very nice southern gentleman, “Nation”, whom is all too happy to take things slow. He’s attractive, hard-working, independent & sweet as hell. He has the most adorable dimples & southern accent. Nation didn’t bat an eyelash at me having 4 kids & he prides himself on being honest. Yes. It’s fair to say I like Nation. I like him a lot. We’ve had a handful of dates & spent time talking & getting to know one another. He speaks so sweetly to me & uses lovely terms of endearment, such as sweetheart, sweetie pie & beautiful. I’ve introduced him to my girls and they all seem to like him or at least like that he makes me smile again.

I’m excited to see where this new path and new life will lead me and my family. I am also scared. I’m afraid of the unknown and the possibly of getting hurt again. I worry Nation may not like me near as much as I like him. I fear I may have latched onto him (and would have with anyone) just to keep from being alone & to be able to say that I belong to someone again. In any event, I think I’ll just enjoy the moment and smile a bit. I think I’ve earned that much.

So, here we are

Well, it’s been more than a month since Valentines Day and a lot has happened. The quest to save my marriage, yet again, didn’t last long. After a couple of weeks and a couple of arguments we called it quits again. It had become crystal clear to me that every argument we had been because I was getting close to uncovering a lie my husband told. He would see me getting close and become angry which would create confusion for me. The more I tried to understand his anger and clear the confusion, the closer I would become to uncovering the truth and in turn the angrier he would get. I began to notice this trend during the last two arguments we had after Valentines Day. One of which he had actually lied about me being banned from the “kink community” instead of just telling me he didn’t want me to attend an event that he was going to. He only came clean with the truth because I said I was going to contact one of the event coordinators to clear things up. Unfortunately, this isn’t the first time I have caught him in such a silly lie. If I think back to all the major arguments we had, they all happened when I uncovered a lie or he told the truth because I was getting close to uncovering one.

Another aspect of our relationship that makes it hard to keep fighting for “us” is his treatment of our daughter “Star”, she is one of the 2 middle children and for some reason my husband “Justice” mistreats her. On this particular occasion, after the holiday, he accused her of tattling on him when she asked me about a memory he had shared with her and her sisters. In truth, I don’t believe Star was tattling on him at all but instead asking me to recount the memory and share it with her. However, Justice swore he had already told her the story and he could see no reason why she would want me to tell it again. Justice become so infuriated with Star that he sent her angry texts at midnight on a school night and refused to add her as a friend on Facebook. Star is a wonderful 12-year-old daughter, she is an honor roll student with near perfect attendance. She loves school, is funny and has a lot of friends. Of course she has her flaws, everyone does, but none of them would warrant the way Justice treats her. Now, whenever I tell people about how Justice treats Star they always ask me if she is his biological daughter and the answer is YES, she is. As a matter of fact, when Star was conceived we lived in a different state and were heavily involved in the Church. We attended Christian events almost every night of the week and our best friends were from the Church as well.  Justice himself recounts it as “the strongest time in our relationship”. So, he should have zero doubts about Star being his child…plus she looks exactly like his mother. Star has told me on several occasions that her father doesn’t love her. She has even said she works hard to get good grades so he will be proud of her, but he never is.

As if the poor treatment of her father isn’t enough, the other girls treat Star just as badly…especially since the separation of Justice and I. The most noticeable is the relationship between Star and our other middle daughter, “Freedom”. Freedom is the 2nd oldest daughter and recently turned 16-years-old. The turmoil between these two girls has gotten so bad that nearly a month ago Freedom moved out of our home and into her grandparents house with her father. This is very shocking for a couple of reasons: 1. Freedom and her older sister, “Independence”, are only 14 months apart in age & they are nearly inseparable but yet Freedom still moved out & lives apart from Independence. 2. Freedom and her father had a relationship much like the one he has with Star up until the separation where Freedom opened her heart to her father and became compassionate towards him, even feeling bad for him when “mom, kicked him out”. Freedom was one of my very best friends until recently. I believe this is because she blames me for the separation even though she, of course, doesn’t know the whole story. However, I have noticed that Star is getting along much better with Independence and her baby sister, “America” since Freedom moved.

With everything that has happened and is still going on, I decided to enroll the family in therapy. Unfortunately, the therapy session made me realize there are a lot more issues than I had realized. First off, up until the therapy session I had spent a couple of weeks being “over” Justice. I had no romantic interest in him at all and was actually learning to live without the idea that we would ever get back what we once had. I lost touch with the feelings I had for him and was confident they were gone for good. Things seemed basic & simple without the complication of pleasing him and while I wasn’t happy…I wasn’t unhappy either. However, the family therapy session showed me how wrong I was. The session surrounded each of us having the outline of a person on a giant piece of paper. Our first task was to list the 3 things we loved the most inside the our person’s heart. Once I completed my task and turned around to look at the others; I was met with the visual representation of my absence in Justice’s heart and it was devastating.  I had been completely erased. He had listed his children, his dog and his Xbox as the top 3 loves in his life. After 20 years of my devotion and loyalty, I didn’t even mean more to him than his gaming system. While I continued on through the session pretending not to even notice this, it took its toll on me over the next 2 days and ended with me in his parent’s driveway, asking him for another chance with tears streaming down my face. He said he would think about it but 2 days later called me at work screaming that he didn’t want to be in a relationship with me. I believe his anger was attributed to the fact I discovered he lied to me about his days activities when I began asking why he had forgotten to pick America up from school. The truth, I uncovered, was because he had actually been out on date with another woman.

Upsetting my calm over the current status of my marriage wasn’t the only thing the family therapy session had uncovered. It also revealed that Star believed she was fat & ugly. Independence had issues surrounding her intelligence level and poor America had been told she was bad so many times that she believed it. The therapist also discovered things that had happened in my past made me feel unloved, breakable and insignificant. He noted Justice had image issues concerning his health and that he wanted to be seen as grateful by others. Freedom was the only one that seemed to be happy and healthy. I’m not sure if that’s because she wasn’t really sharing or if it’s true. There were other parts of the therapy that touched me as well. For example, America’s only wish was that her family would be happy. When the therapist asked if she thought we were happy she said “no” & when he asked why, America replied “because we’re all split up”. The therapist also put the family in charge of telling Star she was beautiful every single day though only Independence and myself have bothered to do so. Clearly the therapy will need to continue, both as a family and as individuals.

As to the current state of my marriage, it is as follows: Justice & I are still separated. We did have sex a couple of days ago for the first time in months but we agreed that it would strictly be a “friends with benefits” type of situation. Since then he has been very flirty and voluntarily affectionate. Some days I feel nothing for him and other days I feel a slight tinge of romantic interest. I often ask myself…if he were to ask you back into the relationship would you accept? The answer is almost always…yes, but with some changes. Part of me believes that because we were so young when our journey together began, that he just needs some time to see what else is out there and once he discovers there isn’t anyone that can love him better, he will come home. The question remains…but will I still be here waiting?

 

Is this the end? (2/18/14), PART TWO

The next morning I had planned on not contacting him at all but as the afternoon rolled around I realized I needed gas money to take our girls to the places they wanted to go and he alone had access to our checking, savings and tax refund money. I also discovered we needed to discuss the disbursement of said money as soon as possible. I knew that my husband was very bad with budgeting and that the money would be gone in just a few short days if I didn’t step in. I told myself I wasn’t going to discuss any relationship issues with him or anything about the night before. I was going to limit my conversation to things about the house, the money and the children but my husband was less than cooperative.

At first he refused to speak to me at all. Then he demanded that all communication be through text. When I tried to explain that all I needed to go over was too long to text he still refused. He wouldn’t answer the phone when I called and didn’t believe me when I told him I wasn’t interested in discussing anything about the night before. I realize now that I should have just let things go for another day or so to allow him time to cool off but I didn’t. Eventually I drove to his parents house in hopes that he’d speak to me.

He did finally come out after a long period of making me wait. Once we began to speak, he insisted on controlling every single aspect of the conversation. Even though the temperature was below freezing he insisted on standing outside with the car door open. He wouldn’t even sit in the car so I could see his face as we spoke. When he finally did sit down he still refused to close the door even after I promised to not drive anywhere, and therefore couldn’t leave him anywhere.

The conversation just went down hill from there. No matter how calmly I spoke to him he stayed agitated & angry. It didn’t matter that I was trying to be understanding or compassionate. Nor did it matter that I was critically evaluating every single syllable I was about to utter solely for his benefit. I was being very careful to ensure he didn’t feel blamed or attacked yet he still responded with fury. When I politely asked for the large majority of our money he got out of the car and began shouting at me from his parents patio. He said embarrassing and humiliating things like “you are seriously fucked in the head” where all of the neighbors could hear him. I had considered the request to be very rational since I am far better with money and I was housing 5 of the 6 people in our family but for whatever reason he couldn’t understand my logic. Honestly, I’m not even sure he tried to.

As the day went on things only got worse and worse. I began to feel more weak and beaten up with every passing minute. Until I finally caved in and opened up to discussing what had happened at the hotel the night before. I told him I left to get myself out of situation where I was being disrespected and treated poorly. I explained that I had entered into some kind of “self preservation” mode and did what I needed to do FOR ME. I informed him that I accepted our relationship was over and clarified that I just wanted to be able to get along for the children. I apologized to him if he was hurt by my actions. It was then that the anger in him seemed to calm a bit and I watched the fury in his eyes slip away.

The rest of the day didn’t seem all that bad. We discussed options of how to deal with the money and he said he would think about it and get back to me. We were also able to do our usual Sunday grocery shopping together and even have dinner as a family. Things seemed to be headed down the right path as far as being able to get along for the kids.

Several days passed where my husband and I remained friends & parents but nothing more. Things were going well…but…Valentines Day was only a couple of days away. I could feel tension building inside me and I kept hearing myself telling friends & family how I feared the holiday would be difficult for me. After all, I hadn’t been without a Valentine for nearly 20 years. The last time I was single during this holiday, I was in middle school and passed out cards & candy to my classmates. My husband had always made the holiday out to be a big deal. He always showered me with gifts, love & affection because he wanted to make me feel special and he felt I deserved it. That and he believed if he treated me well on Valentines Day then I would opt-in on celebrating his favorite holiday exactly one month later…Steak & a B.J. Day, lol.

I was right, the holiday was hard on me. I finally understand why some people call it “Singles Awareness Day” and why others hate it. This year, I too hated the holiday that I used to always be so fond of. The day before Valentines Day my husband & I were at the pharmacy picking up prescriptions when he decided to buy our girls some gifts for the holiday. I had always encouraged him to shower them with love on Valentines Day so that they would expect nothing less from their men later in life. We had always shopped for their gifts together and I guess my husband figured this year shouldn’t be any different. As we looked through the numerous possible gifts I could feel the sadness inside me growing. I tried to be happy that he thought to buy gifts for our precious little ladies but everywhere I turned I saw bright balloons, flowers and gifts expressing their love & adoration. It was a recurring reminder that the love of my life no longer loved me and that my marriage was in shambles. I became painfully aware that I would no longer be celebrated as an amazing wife & mother on this day and I couldn’t help but feel it as a great loss. As we approached the cash register to purchase the gifts I couldn’t contain the sadness anymore and I felt tears welling up in my eyes. I quickly informed my husband that I’d be waiting in the car for him and dashed outside. I sat in my car and allowed the tears to fall but made sure to wipe them all away before my husband joined me.

The next morning my husband showed up to give our girls their gifts. They all seemed so happy & excited but there was an uneasy tension in the air and I knew they could feel it to. It was me. It was my inability to fully celebrate with them and share in their joy. I did my best to stay strong and fight back the tears that seemed determined to make their appearance. As I sat in a kitchen chair with my back to my family I saw a red foil wrapped pouch being handed to me from over my shoulder, it was a heart-shaped caramel turtle…one of my favorite chocolates. When I reached for it and turned to see who this yummy treat was coming from I met my husband’s tear filled eyes with my own. Somehow he understood. He understood that I needed something from him and he unselfishly gave it. He didn’t over think what it could mean to me or what message it might send. Instead he just gave me what he knew I needed. I know that a small piece of candy is nothing to most people but it wasn’t that candy that touched me, it was the message behind it. He cared. It was the first sincere sign of affection I had received from him since he told me that he was no longer in love with me. While I know that a piece of chocolate didn’t mean he was still in love with me, it did mean he cared about how much I was struggling to get through the day. Once I saw the tears in his eyes I could no longer hold back my own, I stood up and headed towards my bedroom. I tried to say thank you as I walked away but my words came out strained and full of emotion. I spent the next few moments in my room trying to calm myself down. I didn’t want him to think he had done something wrong or think that I was upset with him. I needed to get back out there and thank him for his unselfishness and compassion.

When I returned from my bedroom I went to him and sat on his lap, I thanked him for thinking of me and understanding how hard the day was for me. He responded by telling me he just didn’t want to let me go through the holiday without getting something, he felt 20 years was too long to suddenly have to deal with loneliness on Valentines Day. He made sure to tell me that he felt I needed his compassion, even as a friend.

I think I may have seen my soul-mate again that day or perhaps it’s just wishful thinking. In any event my heart opened up to him again and I couldn’t let go. Instead of pushing for a relationship again or asking him to move back home, I decided to just go with what was comfortable. If that meant showing him affection, then I would. If I felt okay with “putting myself out there” and risking rejection again, then I would do it. No pressuring him or trying to force a relationship with him. Instead I am choosing to live day-to-day and roll with the punches…whatever those might be.

Here’s to giving my marriage one last try: *cheers*

Is this the end? (2/8/14), PART ONE

I should have known our weekend away together was doomed when my husband and I got into an argument before we even left on Friday afternoon. I had arrived home from work to find him laying on my bed and playing games on his cell phone. I began packing my things to prepare for the weekend. Once finished I visited the social website that housed all of the event coordination information and noticed that my husband posted an ad looking for a roommate or a place in the area. I was hurt that 2 hours before we left on our weekend away together he was searching for somewhere else to live. Of course, he had already been living with his parents for a couple of weeks but it still seemed so cold. When he left my place to go pack his items for the weekend, I sent him a text saying I was thinking about not going. After some squabbling back & forth he finally said he wanted me to go….so I did.

When we arrived at the hotel where the “kink convention” (for lack of a better term) was to be held, we saw our friends everywhere. We greeted them, hugged & kissed them and entertained some casual conversations. It was very pleasant to see they all remembered me and treated me as if no time had passed since seeing me last. It felt good to be back among our kinky friends again and to feel the energy that was there.  My husband and I stood in line together while waiting to check into the hotel and the event. He was very playful as we waited & began flirting with me in his own special & dominantly sadistic way. It felt nice to have his attention on me again and the sudden appearance of his cheek dimples & bright smile told me he was enjoying himself too. It was really great to see him happy in that way again.

First, we went to our hotel room to drop off our luggage & then headed to the vendor area to do some shopping. My husband bought a new single tail whip, a switch blade knife with a rescue hook, some suspension accessories and a Shibari bondage book. I purchased a Wartenberg 5 wheel pin wheel, a loud & heavy Japanese fan and a set of clover nipple clamps. We then carted our new treasures back to our room where my husband tested out his single tail whip; giving me several lovely welts on my bottom and thighs.  It was delightful to let go of the stress and to be played with by him again. I felt like a long-lost toy that had finally been found again.

Soon after trying out the new whip, we left to go eat dinner and it quickly became apparent that my husband wasn’t feeling well. He hadn’t been feeling well all day and he was clearly getting worse. His face had turned bright red and he was running a fever. Still he pushed on after dinner and together we attended the opening ceremonies. Despite his illness, things were going very well between us. He was scheduled to be a Dungeon Monitor at 10 PM and he wasn’t going to miss it. I however, was feeling very sleepy and decided to nap for a couple of hours while he worked his shift. I believed after a nap I’d be more energized for the kinky party that was going on downstairs in the main event areas of the hotel.  At 11 PM my husband woke me to say he was going home. He was still very ill and just wanted to sleep in his own bed. While I was disappointed, because we were supposed to spend the night together for the first time in weeks, I did understand. At first, I toyed with the idea of going home with him but I just couldn’t make sense of leaving the hotel room empty since we had already paid for it. So, we decided I would stay at the hotel for the night and he would return the first thing in the morning (with breakfast) so we could attend classes together. He encouraged me to get up and go to the party downstairs and partake in a few “scenes” that I had planned with others. He described some of the scenes that he saw while monitoring the dungeon and mentioned that a few people were looking for me. I told him I was going to lay down for another hour and then I would head off to the party. We kissed goodbye and he left.

At around 12:20 AM I was awakened by the phone in my room ringing. I answered it to discover it was my 12-year-old daughter checking in. She told me how her day went (I had left before she returned home from school) and asked how things were going and if I was having fun. After I hung up the phone I considered going down to the party which would continue for about another 3 hours but I decided against it. I didn’t feel comfortable going alone or without my husband. I never lived “the single life” before and I wasn’t interested in doing so now. I simply rolled over and went back to sleep feeling immensely alone in the dark silence of my cold hotel room.

The next morning I woke up early and took a shower. It felt so odd being all alone. So quiet. I’m used to having kids running around me every waking moment and this was very different from that. I kept thinking about how much I hate to be alone and I began to wonder when then panic would creep in. I hoped that knowing there were other people in the building would be enough to keep the fear at bay. In the past, I have rarely lasted more than a couple of hours alone before the terror took its hold on me. I tried to shake off the feeling of dread and turned the television on, just to hear some noise, and I continued to get ready. I tried to focus my attention on seeing my husband soon and on the list of classes I could choose to attend for the day. After some time had passed, I realized my husband wasn’t going to make it for the first round of classes or for breakfast. I sent him a text advising the classes were starting in 20 minutes, took a deep breath and headed downstairs alone.

It’s weird how a person can feel so alone in a crowd of several hundred, isn’t it? That’s how I felt once I got downstairs and entered the social area. I felt very much alone. I quickly glanced around the room and couldn’t find one familiar face among the people there. I went over to the breakfast table to grab some fruit and a cup of coffee before sitting next to a woman who was by herself.  I quickly struck up a casual conversation with her only to realize that I was so desperate for human interaction that I would have spoken to Charles Manson had he been available.  She was very sweet and indulged my need for conversation before her partner came and swept her away. Another lady sat down and we talked a little bit as well. Once I finished eating, I headed off to my first class and then to my second.

My husband didn’t arrive until the lunch break. He had brought me some of my favorite food with a nice little cheesecake treat. It was such a relief to see him standing there when I exited my class and to sit & eat lunch with him. I tried not to say much to him about my loneliness but instead expressed that I had missed him.  He said he was feeling a little bit better and that his fever had gone. He also apologized for not making it in time for breakfast and for missing the first several classes. We discussed his eagerness to attend a beginners class on using single tail whips and the time slot in which I was scheduled to watch one of the event doors before heading off to the 3rd set of classes. He attended his single tail whip class while I attended one about unique suspensions. Half way into the class, I left to work my shift watching one of the event doors.

When I arrived at my shift location, I found a friend of mine waiting for me there. We had previously negotiated & planned on doing a scene together during one of the kinky play parties that weekend. He is a Dominant man that I am very sexually attracted to. I always find myself to be flustered and nervous around him which is very much out of character for me. He sat with me during most of my shift and we talked a little but mostly he flirted and played with me. I really enjoyed the attention he was giving me and hadn’t really had that much in the lifestyle for a long time. My husband stopped by a few times to check up on my safety but for the most part seemed okay with my friend & I hanging out and playing. He knows that my friend is very well-known in the community and has been a practicing Dominant for years. Therefore, I believe he felt that I was safe. My husband brought me a drink and some snacks. Once my shift was over I parted ways with my Dominant friend and agreed to meet him later at the kinky party for the knife & pressure point scene that we had planned to do together.

After my shift, my husband and I visited the silent auction area where items were being auctioned off to help a local non-profit organization. Every year that we have attended this kinky convention I have always won something from the silent auction. Last year I won a paddle that was custom-made by a friend of mine. So, my husband and I walked around talking and looking at the items. A beautiful collar caught my attention and I noticed that my husband had placed a bid on it. I was hopeful he was bidding on the collar to give to me, so I didn’t try to out bid him. Besides, it would have been pointless since all of the money we owned was still “our” money.

After viewing the auction items. My husband and I retreated to our hotel room to get ready for the closing ceremonies and the Saturday night kinky party. I was very excited about the few scenes I had planned with friends of mine. The most exciting of which was to happen immediately after the closing ceremony. My husband had set up a scene for me with a really great rope guy that I liked a lot, for my very first bondage suspension. So I made sure to take careful note of what I was putting on as we were getting ready. I wanted to make sure I looked just a cute tied up in the air as I did standing upright on the floor. As I put on my sexy panties, thigh highs and make-up I began to get very excited for the evening of fun. I also had planned a girls pillow fight that would turn into a tickling match and some sensation play.

Everything was going great between my husband & I since he arrived at the event on  Saturday afternoon. That was…until the closing ceremony. When the organizers read off the names of the silent auction winners, things began to go down hill for my husband and I. He had won a couple of knives and the beautiful collar that I wanted. I was thrilled since I believed the collar would be mine. However, when I expressed my joy my husband made it very clear that the collar wasn’t for me. I explained that he had won the knives and that I felt I should be able to have the collar. I thought that was fair but it became obvious that he did not agree. I quietly asked him what he wanted the collar for and he quickly became very defensive. He jerked his hand away from my leg where it was resting and leaned forward on the chair in front of him. I couldn’t make sense of why he was suddenly so angry. I had been calm and only asked questions about who was getting the collar and why, mostly for understanding and clarity. When I asked him why he was upset he threatened to “leave”, which confused me even more. Did he mean leave the chair next to me for another in the room? Did he mean he’d leave the event altogether? Leave the relationship again? It was then that I began to feel hurt. I asked him to please sit back as he was embarrassing me but it wasn’t until I mentioned going home that he finally leaned back and returned his hand to rest on my leg again. We watched the rest of the closing ceremony together and even made polite and cheerful conversation during that time. I felt we were putting the “collar” issue on the back burner so we could continue to enjoy our weekend together. I was wrong.

Once closing ceremonies were over my husband & I got separated in the crowd that was leaving the auditorium. Therefore, I went to the social area and waited for him. I was getting more and more nervous by the minute about meeting up with the Dominating rope guy for my suspension scene. I had been very eager to get this guys rope around me, be played with by my husband again and to be suspended. Therefore this made the perfect scenario for my extreme excitement and overwhelming nervousness. To be honest, I had forgotten all about the collar because I was so focused on the plans we had made. After waiting for nearly 20 minutes and watching the crowd clear out it became obvious to me that my husband was nowhere to be found. It was then that I recalled the collar and the fact that he had to pay for his items within the next hour or so. I then realized my husband must have gone to our hotel room to drop off the items.

When I arrived at our hotel room, my husband was in the bathroom. At first, I sat on the bed waiting for him to join me. Then, I looked over on the desk and saw two gift bags sitting there. I got up to see if the collar was in one but they were both empty. I looked around and saw the knives my husband won sitting on the nightstand but the collar wasn’t anywhere in sight. I asked my husband through the bathroom door where the collar was and he informed me that he had hidden it…from me. I couldn’t believe he had actually hidden it. What did he think I would do? Why was he being so weird and why didn’t he care how I would feel about him buying jewelry for another woman? Once he came out of the bathroom, I explained to him how hurtful it was that he was using our savings to purchase a collar for another woman right in front of me and during our weekend together. He responded with rage and began to say mean & hurtful things to me. He didn’t want to try to understand my viewpoint on the issue. He didn’t want to know why I wanted the collar. Instead he could only see things from his viewpoint. He shouted that I would never touch that collar and headed for the door. I quickly glanced around the room and spotted the items we had purchased at the vendor area when we first arrived. I grabbed his expensive single tail whip and threatened to take it if he didn’t produce the collar. Looking back I can see how immature that was, but I felt a stab of desperation that would have allowed me to do anything to keep him from walking out that door. My threat had no effect on him though. He just yelled back over his shoulder “I don’t care, I’ll just buy another one”…of course with OUR savings. That was the last straw for me. The final nail in the coffin. I loudly shouted after him “I’m leaving! I’m going home” and I meant it.

As soon as the door closed behind him, I started ripping the room apart looking for the collar. I didn’t actually believe it was in the room, I honestly thought he had it in his pocket…but I wanted to be sure. I looked under the mattress, the frame and the box springs. I looked behind all of the furniture and pictures. I checked every crack & crevice and found no sign of the collar. I packed up all my belongings and changed my clothes. While taking off my cute outfit and make-up the disappointment began to creep in. I was upset that I wasn’t going to get to enjoy the evening with my friends and enjoy the community again but I knew I couldn’t stay. I didn’t want to be embarrassed by a public display of my husband’s anger. I didn’t want to stay and hear the cruel things he would say when he returned. I didn’t want to be disrespected or humiliated anymore. Leaving was the right choice. It was the right choice for me…and for once…I put me first. I zipped up my luggage, put on my coat, grabbed my keys and left the room.

I was walking towards the lobby to check out of the hotel when I ran into my husband in the hallway of our floor. He actually looked confused at my packed bags and zipped up coat. He asked where I was going and I told him “home”. He responded by asking me if I got the collar. I said “we both know you have that collar in your pocket” but he didn’t say anything in return. I turned and walked back to the room and let him in so he could get the collar. He shut himself in the bathroom and I could hear him playing with the tissue box. When he appeared in the bathroom doorway, I called him a liar. I informed him I had already checked the tissue box and removed all of the tissues. I knew the collar wasn’t in it. Again, he said nothing and walked into the hallway. I closed the door and began walking down the hall towards the lobby elevators again. He followed me for a few steps and then asked where his whip was. I turned around and told him it was MY whip now and that he could find his own “fucking” ride home. He then went into the stairwell. My guess is that he ran downstairs to remove his bag from the trunk of my car because it was gone when I opened the trunk to put my luggage inside after I checked out of the hotel.

All the way home my husband sent me texts about how selfish I was being by walking out on people I had made plans with. His texts kept telling me about how I disappointed them and had let them down. He accused me of ruining my reputation and as they progressed his texts got more and more cruel. But his words didn’t hurt me. I didn’t shed a tear or feel an ounce of guilt. When I got home, I simply went to my room and got into bed. I sent off a couple of texts to the friends I had made plans with. I told them something had come up and I had to leave suddenly. I apologized and left it at that. I told myself that if they are truly my friends then they will understand. I then received another text from my husband ordering me to leave and “sleep it off” and informing me that he’d find his own ride home. I responded with some sarcastic comment about how it was cute that he thought I was still there. I then sat my phone down, lay my head on the pillows and slowly drifted off to sleep.

TO BE CONTINUED….

Side-note: I still don’t know what will become of my marriage but I know I left in many ways that night. Somewhere I found a line that had finally been crossed. Somehow I understood that I couldn’t keep waiting for my soul mate to walk back through the door. I accepted that it was time for me to stop holding onto the past and start looking toward the future, even if it is going to be without him.

A ray of hope? (1/24/14)

A few days ago I came home from work and argued…yet again…with my husband. The argument eventually turned into me crying when I tried to explain to him how the events of our last sexual encounter had made me feel. He had initiated sex with me and then rejected me once I showed interest. The rejection made me want sex with him all the more and eventually lead to me begging him for it. I was appalled and disgusted with my own actions. I felt pathetic, unwanted, unneeded, undesired, unloved, unappreciated, rejected, useless, inadequate and unappealing. However, once he saw me crying…yet again… he closed the bedroom door and then asked me to come lay down in bed with him. At first I said no (because I didn’t want any false hope) but eventually I gave in to his request.

I laid there with him for the longest time while he held me and let me cry. He didn’t say a word but instead just listened to me ramble on and on about how much I was hurting, how much I missed him and how much I missed us. For the first time, I wasn’t begging him for anything…not to stay or to love me again or to quit pushing me away….instead I was just explaining & venting. At some point I looked up at him and realized that he was crying too. When I finally finished venting, we just laid there together holding each other in silence and crying together. Looking back, I really feel we needed that, no matter how things turn out between us. I know that I needed it.

After the tears had dried, we began to reminisce about our happier times together. We talked about our first date, the day we gave our virginity to each other, when we fell in love, the day we married and when our kids were born. Then, for the first time in a really long time…we made love to each other. It wasn’t kinky or rushed, we simply just gave ourselves to each other. I teared up several times throughout our love-making session because I had been wanting him to make love to me again for so long…too long.

Afterward things oddly seemed completely normal. I felt as if I had been pulled into a time warp back to a time before any of the damage or pain. I thought it was strange but I enjoyed and appreciated every single second of it. I didn’t know what it meant for us and I didn’t care. If this was the last day I would ever feel his love again, or normal again, I wasn’t going to take a single second of it for granted. That night I slept in our bed, next to him. Several times during the night he rolled over & held me, squeezed me, lovingly touched me or hugged me. It almost seemed he had been wanting to feel our love again too. Every time he touched me, I quietly giggled & allowed the tears of joy to roll down my cheeks. I tried so hard to stay awake all night because I feared what would happen when the morning came and I didn’t want to see our love end…again. I honestly wasn’t even sure I could bare it.

In the morning, I woke up to an empty spot in the bed next to me and immediately began to worry that my moments of ignorant bliss were over. I walked out into the living room to find my husband getting the kids ready for school as usual. He looked up and smiled at me…it was so reassuring and I allowed all the fear to slip away. He kissed me goodbye and I went onto work. I was still shocked to see that things felt so incredibly normal. I felt like I finally had my happy life back. We sent texts to each other throughout the day and things continued to be wonderfully normal. Until I got home from work.

When I arrived home he was sitting on the sofa playing video games. Right away I noticed a familiar tension in the room and I knew that he wasn’t pretending for me anymore. My heart sank into my stomach as sadness began to take over my entire body. I slumped down onto the couch next to him and leaned over to give him a kiss, in an effort to cling onto one last moment of bliss, but he ignored my efforts. Finally, after a few moments of silence I asked him how he felt about last night and instantly wished that I hadn’t asked him. My husband responded by telling me “I think I regret it”.

I quickly got up off the couch and went to my bedroom. After closing the door, I noticed my pillows & blankets were on my bed instead of in his bedroom where I had left them earlier that morning. While I did have a feeling of sadness, I didn’t cry. Was I getting used to the pain? Getting used to the rejection? Getting used to the idea that “we” are over?

I spent the remainder of the evening in my bedroom. The kids took turns coming in and visiting with me and talking about how their day went. I watched a couple of movies on Netflix and sent some texts to my friends. Around dinner time my husband and I exchanged some general information and at one point I kissed him to which he politely allowed and returned.

After the kids went to bed I gathered up my blankets and pillows and took them into his bedroom where I laid them on “our” bed. My husband looked quizzically over at me. I responded to his look by telling him that if we wanted things to be the way they were then we needed to get things back to normal as much as possible. I can’t say he agreed with me but he didn’t stop me from getting into bed with him either. Though he didn’t roll over to cuddle or hug me and he didn’t even really touch me during the night. We still slept together, in the same bed, for the 2nd night in a row and I felt that was something.

Yesterday, things seemed to continue on the way they had been going. We exchanged a few texts throughout the day but mostly about the kids and household things. When I returned home from work, he allowed me to greet him with a kiss and even returned the gesture. I noticed he moved my blankets and pillows back into my room again and was a little disappointed. My husband went to the store and he cooked dinner for the family. He bought snacks for me to take to work the next day and all of us sat down as a family and watched a movie a together. While things didn’t feel like they used to, they didn’t feel uncomfortable either. After the kids went to bed I told my husband about my disappointment regarding my pillows and blankets. He didn’t really provide me with a response but he did seem to take a mental note of the information.

Later that evening I gathered my pillows and blankets up again and moved them back into “our” bed in his room. He appeared to be somewhat happy to see me but continued to play a game on his cell phone. We chatted a little bit and then I slowly drifted off to sleep. A couple of hours later I woke to him fondling & kissing me which eventually lead to us having sex. We didn’t make love, we had kinky and rough sex…and…it was enjoyable. There was no pressure or tension. There were no hurt feelings or expectations. We just enjoyed each other and then drifted back off to sleep. And you know what? I can’t find anything wrong with that.

Today, I’m not trying to decide if we’ll make it or not. I’m not worried, anxious, panicked, fearful or sad. I don’t pretend to know what things will be like when I get home this evening. I do hope that my pillows and blankets will be right where I left them, but if they aren’t I will try not to read too much into it. I won’t allow myself any false hope or entertain any thoughts about what these last few days may mean. Instead, I am simply going to live today for today and appreciate all that I have been given.

Time to move on?

After returning home from my hospital stay, it didn’t take me long to realize that things were still very different between my husband and I. As a matter of fact, they were worse. It quickly became painfully obvious to me that my husband wasn’t volunteering any type of affection or even returning any that I initiated. It seemed that everything I said or did would upset him and he would become enraged at me or the kids. He began to spend a lot of time alone and requested more time alone when anyone would come near him. He never, not in twenty years, wanted to be alone. Why now? I began to feel that my very existence annoyed the hell out of him and it was like a slap in the face. This was the same man who I had spent more than half my life with. The same man who would shower me with compliments and affection at every opportunity. The same man who would tell me he loved me numerous times within a very short period of time. The same man who essentially worshiped the ground I walked on. The same man who shaved my legs, put lotion on my feet and served me dinner. The same man who I stood next to when complete strangers would approach us on the street and express that seeing us together had made them believe in love again.

Why had things changed so much? Who was this person in my home that looked like my spouse? Where did my loving & supportive best friend and husband go? When would he return?

I was so lost and confused in these days, which only lasted a couple of weeks but seemed to go on for years. The more my husband retreated and pulled away from me, the more I became desperate to hold onto him. I focused my energy on trying to discover why he was so angry and withdrawn. I did internet search after internet search hoping to find some answers. I soon believed that my husband was in the midst of a mid-life crisis. I believed that if I held on long enough he would get through it and come back to me. I believed he would finally apologize for all the things he had put me through, with his girlfriend, and that he would express his regret for having gambled “us” on having a relationship with her. But, he didn’t. He still hasn’t.

I recall several moments where I begged him to love & need me again. On my hands and knees literally begging him. I gave him ultimatums and demanded things from him. I tried forcing him to enter back into the relationship but nothing worked. I can see now that these actions only pushed him further away.

On top of all of this turmoil, my girls were being pulled into the middle. My in-laws had decided that I wasn’t invited to their house for the Christmas holidays because of all the problems I WAS CAUSING. This really hurt me. as it meant I would not only be spending the day without my husband but without my girls too. It also meant that they were completely in the dark about what was really “causing all the problems”. I decided to text my mother-in-law and let her know exactly what the problems were and what I felt her son had done to our family. I was sick of being the only one paying a price for our mistakes. I was tired of taking all of the blame and being the only one to offer forgiveness & understanding. However, my actions enraged my husband and turned him away from me again; and just when I felt we were making a little bit of progress. I ended up spending the holiday crying with my mother and some other family members. Each one of them greeted me as if to offer condolences at a funeral. Be that as it may, it was nice to be reminded that people cared and loved me…even if it wasn’t the way my husband had.

It was the day after Christmas that my husband told me he was still seeing his girlfriend & had been carrying on a relationship with her behind my back the entire time. They hadn’t actually ever broke up at all. They were together while I was in the hospital & while he promised to work on our marriage. He was seeing her when I asked him to block her on the social websites & every time he got angry at my affections or my attempts to heal our broken bond. He decided to tell me this because now they were actually breaking up. Apparently, she had found someone else and was moving on. Looking back, I think he told me this because he was hurting and he needed his best friend…me…to help mend his broken heart. At first, I just walked away and into my bedroom. However, I turned right around and went back to where he was standing in the kitchen. Once he saw me he decided to hit me with another little gem…he was leaving me. I was devastated. I couldn’t hold myself up any longer & fell to my knees. I wrapped my arms around his legs and began begging him to stay with me. I moved to laying on the kitchen floor and kissing his feet while sobbing. I went from a babbling crying mess to an angry scorned lover to a psychotic lunatic and back to wailing again. Eventually he left and moved into his mother’s. I bawled for a little while and then I picked myself up and went to bed.

Over the next few months my husband and I went back & forth between being together & working on our marriage to being separated. Sometimes we would be living together and others we wouldn’t. When we did live together we had separate bedrooms.  The daily living environment for our family started to become very volatile with all of the fighting and arguing. Sometimes the arguments would become physical or full of threats. Eventually things escalated to my girls crying outside of the bathroom door while my husband punched a hole in it and threatened me with a towel bar he tore off the wall. All because I had cornered him in the bathroom and refused to let him leave until he talked to me.

During this time of strife I evolved from a weak & desperate wife that couldn’t live without her soul-mate to a woman focused on finding herself and her happiness. I began to accept the idea that maybe my husband & I weren’t meant to be together until “death do us part”. I told myself that perhaps our love shined so brightly that it couldn’t have lasted forever. I allowed myself to envision a life without him and began to focus on me and becoming the person that I want to be. I don’t know what will become of my marriage or the deep profound love we had for one another. Only time will tell for sure. What I do know is that I can’t force my husband to fall in love with me again. I can’t force him to stay and I can’t change what is meant to be. Therefore, I will hold onto the idea that just because this relationship may not end the way I want it to doesn’t mean my future can’t be amazing or better than I’ve ever imagined.

An introduction…

I am a 35-year-old mother of 4 beautiful girls. I have been married to my high school sweetheart and soul-mate for the past 17 years. We met when I was in middle school and he was in high school. We have been together every day since our very first date, nearly two decades ago. We married 2 weeks after my 18th birthday and began our life together. Our marriage has been full of ups and downs, just like any other, but we have always remained strong in love. Any problem that was presented to us only strengthened our love for each other. Our life together was one that fairy tales are made of. Everyone we know could see that we had something so special and precious that it only comes along once in a lifetime and only for very few people.

But things have changed….and that is the majority of what this blog will be about, at least to begin with.