The roller-coaster ride continues (1/29/14)

Yesterday morning I woke up 15 minutes after I was supposed to be at work only to rush outside and discover my car wouldn’t start…apparently I had left the headlights on all night. After going back inside I got into a huge argument with my husband which lead to me packing up all of his stuff and trying to throw him out of the house. I felt so mistreated and disrespected…again and hit some kind of breaking point. Maybe I was acting on emotion and pain but I didn’t know what else to do. I love this man so much but there has to be a line at how much abuse I am willing to take from him, right? Just because it isn’t physical, doesn’t mean it’s not abuse.

In any event, he felt I was trampling on his rights and called the police. While we waited for them to arrive I tried telling my husband that the police would only advise him to leave but that they couldn’t force him to since this was his home, but he still insisted on waiting for them. It really upset me even more because I was already late for work and waiting for the police to arrive was only delaying me further. That and the fact that he wasn’t in any physical danger nor is he afraid of me and was, therefore,  wasting the officers time as well. Of course once the officers arrived they did exactly as I told my husband they would and advised him to leave the home. Basically because the situation was getting volatile and it wasn’t a healthy living environment for the children. He had somewhere else he could go and I didn’t, therefore it was only logical that he be the one to leave. After the police left my husband left too.

Again, I didn’t cry and again I found that to be odd. I found it confusing too. Do I not care anymore? Do I not love him & not want to be with him anymore? Am I getting used being treated so poorly? Or am I getting used to the idea that our marriage is over? I was flooded with so many questions and so few answers. I decided to just shake things off and head off to work. Thank goodness I had a friend I could call on for a ride there.

Once I got home that evening, the house seemed peaceful & quite. I realized it was because there was no angry tyrant moving about the house. I really felt I had made the right decision at least on behalf of the children. There was no stress or fighting going on, just calm. It was a nice change.

I don’t really recall many of the conversations my husband and I had between then and now but I know I asked him to come home at one point. I felt weak & alone and I missed him but he rejected the idea and didn’t move back. He would come over and visit the kids and we were still being affectionate with each other, sort of like a couple that was dating.

I was excited about an upcoming weekend we would be spending together at a BDSM convention. We had purchased tickets several months earlier and had already reserved a hotel room but with only one bed. However, I could tell that he wasn’t sure if he even wanted to go. I vowed not to follow him around or smother him. I reminded him I had already planned on spending some time with some of my friends that would be there. So, he agreed to still go.

I had high hopes for our weekend away together, I’ll admit. I was hopeful that perhaps we could remember what we loved about each other and maybe even rekindle a bid of the fire in us. Unfortunately, it didn’t happen that way. Instead, I think, it may have been the beginning of the end.