Shortly after entering into the lifestyle and learning more about it my official title became “submissive” and my husband became my “Dominate”. This is how we labeled ourselves and how we wanted the community to see us.
Soon it became apparent to us that most “Doms” in the community had more than one submissive & “played” with others, while the submissive people seemed to stay committed to one Dominate. With that in mind, my husband began non-sexual play with other women at parties and events. Eventually this lead into him taking on another “submissive”.
I liked his new submissive, she was kind and vibrant. While I do admit that I did have some apprehensions and was slightly jealous from time to time, I was comforted by the fact that my husband told her I would always come first and that there was nothing sexual about their relationship. Even though sometimes she would be naked, he always remained completely clothed. I was also able to personally witness most of their “scenes” together and I never saw anything that gave me cause for concern. Furthermore, my husband always tried to include me, check in with me and keep me happy even while he was with her. However, after some time the two of them grew bored with each other and the relationship eventually dissipated.
It was a short time later that my husband wanted to bring in someone else, another woman. This time he wasn’t aiming for just a submissive but instead for a submissive and a girlfriend. He wanted to explore a poly relationship that would include an intimate relationship between the three of us. I had heard a lot about the poly lifestyle since entering into the local kink community but was never interested in it. The idea of him being with another woman was hard for me to accept, especially a prettier, younger and thinner woman, but I wanted to be a good submissive and a good wife. I wanted my husband to have the best sex life possible and I felt I could trust him enough to be with her, and not lose sight of “us” and our profound love for one another. After all, he had never done ANYTHING in the past 20 years to break my trust. He promised me that if I ever wanted things to end, then they would. That was enough for me and I agreed to give the relationship a try.
The relationship seemed fun at first because my husband worked hard to always keep me included and to prove that my feelings, insecurities and comfort level came first. However, things slowly began change and the relationship began eating away at me. While I always vocalized my thoughts and feelings to the both of them, after a while it just seemed to fall on deaf ears. There were many times I asked my husband to end things with her but as soon as he would agree to end it, I would feel better. I felt comforted, reassured and loved. So, I would then agree to continue on in the relationship.
After some time I began to feel like I was being kept in the dark about things going on between them but when I would ask they would just brush it off as an insecurity. It was then that the true sadness I was feeling began to take its toll on me. I began hurting myself to distract from the pain I was feeling. I started by doing small things like pulling strands of my hair out and then moved onto punching myself and pounding my head on walls then to putting clothespins on my vagina and eventually onto cutting and mutilating my own body with blades. I began to carve nasty words onto my body and then be horrified and repulsed when I would catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I started lashing out at the other woman and began to be really mean to her via text but very loving to her in person. After a few months my behavior ran her off and she ended things with both my husband and I. At first, I thought my husband would be upset with me but he wasn’t. I asked him several times if he was okay with the way things went and he said that he was.
Needless to say, I was relieved. I felt the whole ordeal was finally over. I thought we could get back to being deeply in love and I could get back to being who I had always been…his faithful, loyal and loving wife. I was excited to stop my self-injurious behaviors. I was happy and elated to finally have him all to myself again…just like I had for the past two decades. I was sure he would now see that all he needed was me and that I would be enough for him. I was finally able to take a deep breath of fresh air and let the heavy load slide off my shoulders. I felt like me again.
Things didn’t stay that way for long…instead, they got worse.
Fears Being Alone 
Thank you for posting a supportive comment on my blog (dlmchale.com). I know we are both going through similar situations as our marriages wind down. Just know that I am here for you if you need to talk. dennis.l.mchale@gmail.com And know that in reading your blog, I am blown away by your honesty and incredible voice. I understand your submissive desires, but I also understand your need for commitment and love. I hope you find it. I once had a submissive..it was an incredible relationship, but it was founded on an intense love of fulfilling one another, even when it meant letting go of others. What some dominants don’t understand is the delicate intra-weave of pain and pleasure. Pain for pain’s sake is not okay. Never. Any dominance should be based upon ensuring the emotional and physical yearnings of the submissive, and to do so in a fashion the promotes the relationship…not diminish it. I deeply, truly hope you find what you are looking for in life…and consider me a new friend in the search.